Bullies are people who feel insecure and have various behaviours because of this insecurity. In case you didn’t know this, bullies are narcissists.  Every behaviour and tactic described in this book is what a narcissist does. Sadly these people are the ones who commit domestic abuse too. Bullies operate subtly and you may not be aware of their tactics.  Just because you begin to understand why they are behaving in a certain way, it doesn’t excuse what they are doing. They are fully aware of how they choose to treat you, because they also choose to treat others very well. You can’t change them but you can change how you deal with them.

Once you learn all their manipulative behaviours and tactics you can discern them, label them and document them. After consideration of the situation and context you can call out these tactics to the bully and their colleagues or seniors or family. You can document effectively by keeping a diary of each manipulative tactic they take, so that you can demonstrate a pattern of repeated efforts of intimidation or exhaustion or other tactic.  Trust your instincts and never doubt them and communicate assertively. Have a good support system.  Tell everyone what is happening because bullies rely on you not speaking out and keeping the peace. This book contains at least ten tactics they use so you can identify and demonstrate an extensive pattern of toxic and intimidating behaviour.

Why are you a chosen target for bullying? There are quite a few reasons that could apply. The bully thinks they can get away with it with you and that you won’t speak up. The bully feels outshined and threatened by you. The bully wants revenge because you have exposed something in them that highlights their incompetence or deficiency. You may be a target because you are not easily controlled or swayed and you are an independent thinker. Bullies hate people that ask questions, questions are seen as defiance to a bully.  As bullies feel entitled to special treatment because they see themselves as superior, they feel upset when they are not worshipped by you.  They also think they are above the rules and try to get away with things and you may have caught them in the act. You may be a target because you are a happy person and they are simply jealous of your happiness. Once you are a target this is not usually reversed even if you started to give them praise and agreement.

Bullies have a need for power and control. They want you to be intimidated as this makes them feel powerful. Try not to be intimidated or if you are, do not show this. If you show you are intimidated they will see that their strategy is working and they will push further for continued intimidation.

Power and control make them feel important and relieve their insecurity so they aim to get obedience, fear and submission. They may provoke reactions to have control over your emotions and control over the situation. Bullies or narcissists may use words to make you react to establish dominance. They often use false or unfair accusations. They want you to prove yourself to them eg when they accuse you of being incompetent or something then you rush to defend yourself. This actually gives them the feeling of power. Don’t defend yourself or explain yourself and certainly don’t rush. You can state that these are false accusations without needing to defend yourself. If you are on a performance management then bring as many people into that as possible (including your union) for more objective opinions and witnesses. You can also turn the tables around and try to make them explain themselves.  There is a saying ‘the best form of defence is attack’.  Start accusing them of all these nasty tactics they are using.

Is the bully asking you to do tasks that are unnecessary? This is because they want to see obedience and compliance. Make a note of everything unreasonable and uncalled for, so that this behaviour can be exposed.

They may also delay in signing papers or withhold something from you knowing that you are waiting for this release of information or something within their control. So withholding something is another tactic of control.

Bullies isolate people or rely on their victim keeping quiet, this is why everything needs to be out in the open as soon as possible to as many people as can be involved as long as you feel most people around you are able to believe you and are not already recruited on to the side of the bully. Have someone with you at all times if you have to meet with the bully.  Bullies attempt to exhaust their victims to make them weaker.  They try to wear you out with repeated requests that use up your time and energy, this is a tactic they use.

They like to hassle you at the end of your day when you are tired and may not think clearly. Do not respond at the end of the day or straight away.  Respond very slowly if you have to respond and ensure you take the time to think about your response, the longer you delay the better. If you respond quickly this shows you are nervous and this feeds their power.  Take the time to calm down and not have a reactive response. If you can respond after a few days or even weeks do that. If you are reactive they will see they can provoke you and they will continue to do so. You will notice that they create a sense of urgency for a quick decision or reaction, when there actually isn’t an urgent need. This is to keep you off guard. Do not dance to their beat – dance to your own. If something has been made to look urgent take the time to unpack whether it really is. Often it isn’t and it can wait quite a few days.

The bully likes to make you feel like you are never good enough, that you need to jump through more hoops.  This is a way of them feeling more powerful as you are made to feel not good enough, which in turn makes them feel better about themselves. They may move the goalposts so that you never meet your objectives. Be sure to identify this tactic and call it out. They may try to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. They may use disapproval to make you feel not good enough. Remember that this is only their opinion and it is only their story of the situation. Do not trust their version of the events, they will try to manipulate the whole situation. Confusion is a tactic. Don’t lose your version of the truth to slip into the narrative of the bully.

Are they trying to confuse you with technical jargon and complex situations. Bullies do love to create chaos and confusion. Make sure you ask them to explain themselves clearly.

The bully may be a moody person. They may huff and puff and try to transfer their emotions to you. They want to make you anxious. Their tactic is to destroy your composure. Try to disengage with their emotions, stick to logic and evidence. Speak out about how they are behaving. Tell them they appear to be in a bad mood.  Do not show empathy or sympathise with them as they see this as a weakness to exploit. Whatever you do, do not accept the transference of their mood on to you. That is their goal. Call it out and tell them their behaviour is unacceptable.  Do not let them make you think that you have the problem-they create the problem by their actions. They do this fully aware of what they are doing. Avoid self-doubt as they see this as opportunity.

They may be teaching you something but not teach you the whole task so that they can huff and puff when you haven’t done something correctly or completely. Make sure you point this out to them and document this behaviour. Hold them accountable for their poor teaching or lack of information sharing. This is a tactic – to withhold vital information to make you look stupid and to trip you up.

They may trivialize your feelings eg you’re being too sensitive, they make you feel you’re imagining things. They may dismiss or undermine your thoughts, feelings or experiences, this leads to your self-doubt which weakens you, so they can use more tactics to bully you. Identify this and label it to them.

Bullies are often charming to everyone around them so that when the victim speaks out against them, they are not believed. What do we mean by charming-they flatter people, they copy their opinions and tastes, as people tend to like people that have similar opinions. They entertain and tell jokes to make people laugh. They make themselves very likeable.

Outshining them such as suggesting a good idea to the company, or being kind may make you a target. If you hold your ground and don’t backdown this may make you a target, for they are a dictator and expect everyone to agree with them. If you are what they are pretending to be – calm, confident and genuine, this threatens their ego. Your authenticity challenges them because they know they don’t have this, it exposes their deficiency.  You are comfortable in your own skin and they rely on performance.  Your composure can destabilise people who build their value on image or hierarchy. The bully wants to take out the person who won’t fall in line, so the group goes back to orbit around the them. The more un-manipulatable you become the more of a threat you become. You don’t play along because you are not swayed by their tactics.

Maintain your boundaries. It is best not to be patient with them, not be understanding and do not forgive them, as this gives them permission to continue to bully you. Boundaries are your time, your space, your attention and anything that is yours.  Enforce your boundaries – for example if you have finished work and your boss wants to talk to you, tell them you are not at work and you will speak in work hours. They push into your boundaries because they are confident you will excuse their behaviour or rationalise it in the name of peace.   You might have a time boundary – they want to test if you shift your schedule or delay your exit. They learn that you are someone who’s time can be taken. To see if they can take your attention they attempt to distract you to capture your focus. If you’re in a conversation or meeting or watching something, reading, that’s when they strike. They might try to contact you while you’re busy and follow up if you don’t answer fast enough. They might expect you to stop what you’re doing. They might cut in on a conversation or talk over you. They watch to see if you will drop what you’re doing.  Sometimes the bully appears to be socially awkward when in fact they are pushing in to your boundaries eg personal space, to test you.  If you’re focused and working on something, and then they ask you –‘hey can I ask you something?’ You should respond politely – ‘sure give me a second’ then stay engaged in whatever you are doing. You show through your behaviour that you will not bend for them.

Bullies test rank, they think they are the alpha. They test you to see if you submit to their dominance, avoid or behave equal.  They may test you by dismissing your success, ignoring your opinion or joking about you. Your composure and confidence is a threat to them so they may create a moment of tension and watch what you do. They might say something very odd for example to see if you call it out and disagree with it. Bullies want you to become uncomfortable, they create situations to make you feel uncomfortable.  If you stay calm or unbothered they see this as defiance.

Bullies hate feeling like they can’t get away with whatever they want. They have a sense of superiority and feel entitled to better treatment and to get away with things.

Bullies use punishments to control you. If it is the workplace they may give you far more work to complete than others. They give you an unreasonable workload to exhaust you and to make you feel used, abused and unfairly treated. If they are treating you unfairly this needs to be documented and you can compare with how others are treated to demonstrate how unfair it is. Collate all your evidence.

How to remove the control that the bully has over you? After you have evidence of this pattern of control, intimidation, creating exhaustion, unnecessary tasks, withholding information etc Try to get evidence in emails and in their actions and from witnesses. As mentioned before, never be alone with the bully. Identify and label the tactics.  Document the dates, times, witnesses, what they did and what the impact was. Label the tactic.

There are a number of avenues you could take. This is psychological abuse and if the bullying is at work you should be able to lodge an incident under psychological abuse. You could lodge multiple incidents so that there is a pattern of repeated abuse.  You may be able to sue your company. You could take sick leave to financially impact the company. You could ask for a transfer to a department away from this person. You can apply for another job. You can find your workplace bullying and harassment policy and use that to demonstrate misconduct and you can make a formal complaint.  You can reach out to agencies outside of the workplace that look into occupational health and safety. If you document clearly and demonstrate the tactics listed in this book there can be no doubt that this is a pattern of psychological abuse. You can see a psychologist to get evidence of psychological harm, although that should not be necessary as simply the abusive actions taken by the bully will logically cause psychological harm.

Take the time to discover who is enabling the bully.  Identify people who are aware of their actions and are allowing them to continue.  Disengage with these people and do not trust them. Look for dynamics and who benefits by you being bullied.

Bullies often shift the blame to others to make themselves look better, to take the negative attention off them and to deflect accountability. If you see this behaviour make a note of it.

Bullies attempt to control how others perceive you with what is called a smear campaign.  They frame the story and conversations and spread doubt about your character. You should behave with integrity and respectfully so that they are not believed. If there is evidence of defamation you may be able to get the law involved. 

When communicating with a bully keep interactions brief and boring, if you can, answer with a single word or phrase wherever possible. Do not reveal emotion. Don’t JADE: – Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. This only provides fuel to the bully to make them feel powerful. Do not share any unnecessary information with them, they collect these details to twist them and use against you.  Keep your tone flat and your answers short. To protect yourself in conversation, use a dead end. This means the conversation stops here, it doesn’t explain, it doesn’t apologise, it doesn’t soften, its clear, calm and final.  For example if you feel uncomfortable you tend to build an ‘on ramp’, a softener such as ‘im sorry’, ‘I think’, ‘I might’, ‘I hope that’s ok’, this gives the bully a way back in. You’re signalling that you feel bad about setting a boundary and that you might change your mind. Bullies are attuned to this and they are listening for hesitation.  If you overexplain you aren’t reinforcing your boundary you’re creating access for the bully. Your boundary lives in how you respond rather than how someone else understands or respects you.  Don’t try to soften your answer, be firm and almost abrupt. Choose your words carefully. This will become easier overtime. Choose clarity over comfort.  Speak with finality, do not overexplain and do not attempt to manage their feelings, just provide a simple calm dead end. Do not try to be liked or be nice with a bully.

Here are some examples of what you might say.

I understand.  That’s your opinion.    Im not discussing this again.

Okay.    Noted.      That doesn’t work for me.  I won’t be spoken to like this.   

Im not discussing this until you talk to me respectfully.  

That’s your opinion not a fact.    I hear you and I still disagree

Im not responsible for how you choose to feel

We’re done with this topic.   You’re entitled to your version, its not mine

You’re behaviour is the problem not my reaction to it.

Im stepping away. We can continue when you’re calmer

No (without any explanation. ) Im not taking the blame for a situation you created. Don’t try to rewrite what happened. That’s not going to work on me anymore

A prayer or affirmation – ‘Dear god’ I am weary from the spiritual attacks of control and manipulation. I trust you are with me, help me to have freedom, give me clarity in the midst of chaos and strengthen my spirit to stand firm. Expose the tactics of the enemy. Give me the courage to follow your lead. I declare that the enemies grip over my life is broken and I am walking into the freedom you promised me. Render the enemy with their due justice.   I pray for divine recompense. Bring peace and healing to my heart. I also pray for the bullies repentence.